There is always a view or essence that we try to insert into Romance. A certain feeling that we would all like to have. The mere idea of there being someone… something out there, which we can call love is a deep held belief within all of us.
This idea of romance drives us and breaks us.
There is a woman in my life… well let me be more clear. There was a woman in my life. She took up nine years of my life and was all I knew about love and romance. She drove me to great heights and great lows. In a way she shattered me only to build me back up. This was her way and in a certain way it was mine.
Now this relationship did not end well. In fact it
ended in the worst possible way that I could have imagined. Still a lot of this woman went into my protagonist Kaoru. There are so many aspects of her that linger in my mind and soul that I cannot help but to think… Why am I not with her?
What can I do… how can I fix… Anything out there to help me make amends and bring me back into a relationship with her.
Then the truth starts to creep up. The pain… the suffering… the utter mind shattering feelings of what she put me through and what I put her through. And here is where I become afraid.
Yes, this woman I loved… in a way still love… will always love to a certain extent. Scares the daylights out of me. She bores holes where even the mere idea that I have seen her around has caused me to go into a panic attack. And no-one else can even begin to imagine what I go through. They do not know and will not know.
I carry this fear inside.
I carry this love inside.
I carry this romance inside.
And it has lead to my romance novels. A part of me, a part of her are laced throughout the novel. Please enjoy my pain, my suffering, my love, my anguish, my romance.
Kaoru In Loves Shadow
There was just something special about the late December snow. It was not as cold as February, but the slight chill did let you know that winter was upon you. She so loved the cold these days. Whether it was her thoughts on how she was raised or the cold emptiness of winter she loved the solitude of her life. Living solitary in that big house was nothing more than a dream to her, though not one that she imposed on herself but had become used to being in, yet… from time to time it did not feel real. The mere idea that she would need to share it with someone, was beyond her at the moment. Still… she found herself looking at him from across the room every chance that she would get.
He was a squirrel of a man the way he moved in and out of the Starbucks. Still, once a week he would run in and order the same double shot of espresso and vanish out the door. Such uniqueness was to be admired in a time when people tried so much to fit… in.
What the hell could have him in such a rush? He was in and out of sight so fast that her thoughts were still forming as she watched him. There was little to the room to be admired, and having this distraction was one of her little joys. Taking a look around the room she would see the boring, the plain, and the utter useless cardboard cutout humans that made up society.
To her left, without even turning her head, she knew who was sitting there. The rancid smell of cigar smoke stung her sensitive nose. If she were to turn her head, she would have seen the grotesque representation of a human being as the man sitting there. Had she bothered to look there he would be in the same tired shirt. Part of his gut lifting the bottom of his shirt, a shirt that was never really meant to be worn untucked. But this man wanted to make a statement. What that statement was, well no one really knew.
Still had she bothered to get a side glance in there he would be sitting a café latte with a glaze doughnut. The doughnut itself being half devoured through a gaping hole that he called a mouth. Lips so trained that even though there was no smoking allowed, they still held firm to a cigar. He would light the beast as soon as he was out of earshot from the yuppie know-it-alls who had nothing better than to try and force others to live a certain way. In a way she admired the slob of a man for standing up for some semblance of freedom. At least he was not hiding the person that society as a whole cared not to see. With so many out there being fake in one sense or another it was becoming difficult in today’s world to see true life from the fiction which we perceive.
As she headed towards the line to place her order Kaoru’s eyes caught a view of one of the yuppies, which she detested so, rights for all as long as the yuppies approve of those rights, cancerous beings sitting in the chairs and tables across the room from her. It was an amazing sight to see. The paleness of her skin was clearly meant to give the sign of health. Yet, there was a certain view, which some would see as this woman being nothing but a plague on society. Her clothing nothing more than draped fabric over a school skeletal display. Everything about her was a complete contradiction to the idea of health.
That sad excuse for a woman had been standing in front of her as she prepared to order. Her order was as confusing as the idea of this person coming into a Starbucks for a drink. Excuse me, I will be having a soy, non-fat, decaf, macchiato, and make sure that it is a natural no sugar mocha powder. The order still burned in Kaoru’s mind was nothing less of disgusting, vile, putrid thing to order. That was not the end of the pain, which Kaoru had put up with. The sorry imitation of a human had actually turned around and faced her, all to give a reason for such an order as if anyone else in the world would care for what reason she had ordered such a thing.
“You know we can never be too careful about what we order. I usually do not order such a high calorie drink but today I am cheating. Promise not to tell? I’m Jenny by the way.” The woman spoke without a care in the world. She wanted to be seen as much as she wanted to be the image of what the world should strive for. All that Kaoru could do was smile, as her upbringing would not allow for the tongue lashing that this woman needed.
A soft breath of relief left Kaoru’s lips as the woman walked to the other end of the counter to pick up her drink. Making sure to take the extra time needed for that Jenny to sit somewhere, Kaoru ordered her straight black coffee, Peruvian blend. Taking great care as to avoid eye contact with that Jenny woman, Kaoru picked up her coffee and headed to the seat that she now occupied.
Robert, as she would later learn his name, was right on time when she had spotted him. Ruffled hair and clothing that could do with a bit of ironing, he would walk in a slightly brisk pace. His head would swivel back and forth watching the room, but not really looking at anything or anyone. Kaoru, always liked the way that he would jerk back at the point of almost bumping into someone else, but still going so far as to apologize to the other person and at one point a table. There would be a need for this man to get out of the city and live a little. Kaoru had to get to know him but how? The simple idea of sitting next to him and talking with him would have worked, had he ever taken the time to sit and drink his coffee rather than heading right out of the door with drink in hand.
What could his work be? It would be preferable to find out what is his back story before I go and put myself in any danger. I should call Bill and see if he would like to earn some cash. He did used to do freelance work like this for dad. After all he is not that old. What… fifty next year? Oh need to get him a present, something other than a tie.
Her mind raced with ideas and preludes to the work that was ahead to learn about this man that interested her so. It was all that she could do to keep from stalking him like the prey that he was. Though the idea of doing so did make her chuckle into her coffee. He apparently had already taken the role of the mouse. All that she had to do was to go ahead and take the role of the hawk and he would be hers. But there would be time for games later in life. She would have to see if he was worthy to put up with her and her ways. The games would test his resolve and ensure that he was not after just the carnal things in life. He would have to be smart and be willing to test his wits as well as his limits.
It would be just a waste of time to try. Just look at the way he walks around the room. He is so afraid that even a slight mis-step, and he would crash to the ground… even better. This is the chance to build the man that will be worthy of my love. I have wasted months with men, who turn out to be worthy. I was lucky to find their troubled spots at just the right moment. Now I have the raw clay to build a man.